Broderick's Travel Log

Before I begin, I must first issue an apology, for a traveler's journal such as this should begin with the outset of the journey, rather than be penned near the end as all the memories of it are near gone. I shall endeavor to provide an interesting report of my travels nonetheless, and I do hope this breach of writing etiquette shall not affect your opinions of the content found herein.

My name is Broderick. I have never received a last name and never found it fit to choose one for myself as it has never truly been an issue and it allows me to forego the formality of introducing myself with a Mister before a surname rather than the name my more intimate friends know me by. Thankfully, the lack of a surname has rarely been an issue, and thanks to the ever-expanding leniency of the world's governments in their recognition of sapient non-human individuals, there are proper channels for travelers such as me and an understanding of deficiency in some otherwise vital information. I found myself barred from travel to only two places I had tried to enter: Pakistan and Turkey. Thankfully, the business I needed to conduct there was achievable through other means, and the companionship of the good officer Jake Marshall afforded me more trust from airport security. However, I do find it a shame I could not see these two wondrous countries, as this journey was meant to blend the works of business and pleasure when able, and Istanbul has a particularly enticing Siren's call. I do hope the Hagia Sophia will not eternally evade me.

A man named Ger'Shom, referred to many by the title of Courier or Courier Six, had a surprisingly vast network of businesses despite not being native to this... dimension, I suppose, is the appropriate word.  If mention of this sounds incredulous, I suppose it is best to inform you that you are, in fact, reading the travel log of a particularly large bumblebee. One who is able to harness the power of hats through an art known only to millinists. I write this now while wearing the hat of the late thespian and silent film star Frederick Thomas. Perhaps one day I may style my surname after him as I did my first name, but this hat shares with me the personality of the man who gifted it to me, and in much a similar manner, Ger'Shom's headwear allowed me to see the world through his eyes, so to speak. It is for this reason he felt comfortable in gifting me his business conglomerate, which spurred this adventure outside of my usual Nevada stomping grounds.

Seeing to his many ventures was a trying task, and even while wearing the hat that put me closer in line with the Courier's mindset, I found myself liquidating, revising, or making redundant many ventures. Many of his businesses in the under developed countries of South America and Asia put the results of work over the value of the human capital's well-being. I tried my best to keep his many factories and genetic testing facilities functional, but the injection of my softer heart did require I remove any that were unable to be continued without human rights violations. It has strained the grander funds of the conglomerate, but through my many renovations and shifts in work ethic, I have made us able to conduct our operations in the open, a luxury Ger'Shom did not have unfortunately.

I speak, of course, with vague terms on my dealings here, as they are insider information and what's more, I am certain that discussion of financials and company structure is not what a travel log is meant for! What follows will be brief recollections of the places I visited and what my companion and I participated in during our visit.

New York City was our first stop, and from what I am told it is the "cradle of civilization" of sorts for the group known as the Kobbers. Jake and I met in their latest installation, a casino in the Las Vegas metropolitan area. I found my size an encumbrance when navigating the crowded streets, but the skyscrapers were quite roomy. Most of my time here was spent tangling with an unfortunate and inordinate amount of bureaucracy to begin the plans necessary to legitimize and revitalize the Courier's legacy. I am unsure what Mr. Marshall attended to while we visited, but we were able to enjoy a few restaurants together and I was able to get us tickets to see Paramour by Cirque du Soleil! It did not seem to be to his tastes, but I had a delightful time. We made sure to visit the city's "Naked Cowboy" during our visit, but he was just as adamant on keeping his hat as the self-styled cowboy Jake Marshall is. I should wonder what I would look like in that peculiar street performer's garb, despite his claim to be wearing none.

Following a plane ride, we next took a trek across Eastern Europe, our starting point being Germany despite its more central location on the continent. During our travels we rarely saw the major cities, so I made sure we stopped to tour a few of the old towns and pay a visit to Neuschwanstein Castle before I found the more obscure locations on the map that Ger'Shom had left for us to visit. We then entered Romania by train, but the travel there was difficult for me due to my size and natural hovering nature. Most of the sights we saw were natural there and I do believe I have made Marshall into somewhat of an outdoorsman in the process. A small trip to Norway was taken before we continued on eastward, wherein I managed to swing the good officer a ride atop a fjord horse. It was not quite the stallions of the Wild West one might expect to find him on, but I have hopefully made him more of a cowboy nonetheless!

Russia was a dreadful clime, I fear the bumblebee is not meant for the snow of the Motherland. I did my best to power through, but my companion and I were quick to depart the moment business was concluded. I should hope some time to return when it is warmer so I may enjoy the truth of the country rather than its infamous winter.

From there the greatness of Asia was opened to us: India, China, and Japan were like a trio of pearls in a massive oriental oyster! The language barrier grew stronger in these lands, but the Courier's hat allowed me to surmount it when my own knowledge failed. Leisure activities also became harder to come by because of it, and when wearing Ger'Shom's hat I find it affects my tastes and keeps me away from what I might otherwise visit with its translation assistance. The headphones at the Kabuki theater that provided an English translation was a most welcome aid, although I had to hold them to one side of my head due to their size. I find the most difficult part of watching any show is actually sitting for it, however, as my biology actively fights against the position these chairs require of me!

A return to the Americas was made next, to drop off Mr. Marshall so he may begin to prepare for the coming summer. His work as a bartender is more demanding for him than most others of the profession, and even though I have not yet earned his trust enough for him to gift me his hat, I already appreciate the work required of him. I do find myself somewhat weary from this globetrotting expedition, the work demanded of me more trying on my mind than expected. The business I attended to in South America and the islands of Pacifica bear little mention here, as after my companion departed, I delved into the role with full attention and little deviation. The Courier's hat was on my head more often than ever as I faced the once hidden aspects of his economic empire.

I suppose this spot is as good as any to end this travel log, if only because I can hear the sounds of the plane's descent. I am returning to Las Vegas as the end of my trip, for I believe the aforementioned Kobbers will return shortly. I do have much business to conduct over the internet and telephone to accommodate for the lands I could not visit, and I am sure I will have no end of work throughout this year as well. I only hope I may still attend to my friends at the King of Beasts often enough. I do so dearly miss many of them.

Before I conclude, I must apologize for the hurried pace and lack of details in the later half of this travel log, but such is the writer's curse. Once you begin to approach the conclusion of a work, the inspiration that sparked the writing venture has been spent on the early parts. I imagine this is why so many stories end with a dramatic reveal, narrative twist, or a cliffhanger in order to accommodate this wane in the author's interest. Perhaps I am merely misplacing this failing though, given my propensity for preferring the middle of a story. I might also blame it on the need to obfuscate many details, but no matter what the reason, the blame falls squarely on my shoulders and I beg your forgiveness.

If any reader wishes me to go further in depth about my travels, however, all they must do is ask, and I shall provide a more detailed account with pleasure.

Shimmer's Vlog

UGH! Taking care of Bubbles is such a CHORE!

Okay, like, I get what Cauren was going for, and I do really love him and all... but he just does NOT want to behave!

I mean, at first it wasn't bad! He'd just lay around the place and I didn't have to worry about him or nothing, and that was really fun! I thought we were gonna be like, best buddies! I even drew this picture of us!

But like... after a while I realized: I don't know what he eats! And he realized it too I guess, cuz he started breaking my stuff! That robot horsey that Wanda gave me... he tore it all up! I don't know what to do! Maybe I can find another like it and buy it before Wanda gets back and she won't know... But then one day I saw him and he was tearing up all those stuffed animals I got from my birthday too! I had to hide all my other gifts so he wouldn't mess those up too!

And speaking of my birthday... okay, like, my birthday was super cool and all, and I mean, it would be great to have another party like that! ..BUUUUUUT... I'm turning 18 this year...

Okay, so like... okay. 18 makes you an adult or something, right? I don't think... I'm ready for that. I mean, right now I can do like, whatever I want! I can go on cool adventures with the Kobbers and help people and not worry about stuff! But like, when I'm a grown-up, I'm gonna need to have a job, and... well, I don't think I'm ready to date guys, you know? But when I'm 18, like, literally ANY DUDE older than that, it's like, okay for them to like me now! And that's.... REALLY scary! I mean, I want people to look at me because I look good, right? But not in that way... You're already an adult and you know all about that! That was like, one reason you were so mopey last year, right? But now you got a job with those elephant dudes and like, you seem pretty adult to me...

But even WORSE than that, and I know, that's pretty crazy to be worse! But WORSE than that is... like, last year, at the bar, well, we are on Earth now, so I expected there to be a change of people, yeah? I went to see the Star People, so of course the people back home won't be there... but now, like, Utsuho is married, and Sarah too, and now they're gonna be spending time with their husbands and I'm just... I'm left behind.

Like, I know you don't like the bar, and I'm SOOOOO happy you gave me this little thing where I can send you messages and junk, but, with you gone, and them gone, and me turning into an adult... It's like, this year's gonna be entirely different! I'm not even sure if Parsee is coming back... that's what the bar is like. People come and go they say and like, I love love LOVE making new friends! But... why do I have to lose the old ones to do it, ya know?

Well... I just hope nobody remembers my birthday. I mean, after that big party last year, it'll be hard for them NOT to, but like... even if I could just get a few more days of being a kid? I think that would be awesome...

OH! Another thing. Like, I like how I look and all, but this stuff I'm wearing, like, it was meant to make the star people think I'm interesting and stuff, to try and be like them and all, but now I'm on their world and like... none of them look like this! But still, I like how I look and all, but I think it's time for something new! I've got a brand new outfit planned for this year and-

No no no! I'm not gonna show you! You have to come to the bar and see me there to check it out! It's SOOOOO super-

BUBBLES! BUBBLES NO! Ugh... he's so STRONG and heavy too! If I didn't have my light powers he'd have been able to get that whole weird game thing Sine gave me in his mouth! I was talking to these two dudes the other day who said they have a farm where he'd have lots of room to run and play with other animals... they said a lot of dogs who people can't take care of go there! They said I could call anytime to ask how Bubbles is doing, but like... I couldn't visit? Weird huh! I guess my light might scare a bunch of the animals or something. I'm gonna find out more about that and send him! I mean, I don't even know what Bubbles IS! I think he's a Grumble or Grumbus or something like that...

I don't know how I'm gonna call them though!

SOOOOOO... Anyway, I'll talk to you again soon Marina! Lots of love!

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Marina closed her phone and rubbed her eyes after watching the video: Shimmer's Vlog 6 of 26. It was getting harder and harder keeping up with her friend's overeager use of the small camera Marina picked out for her, but she was grateful that the small Upload button on the device's side was Shimmer's only involvement with the internet so far. Sometimes Marina felt like she had to be a big sister to this strange girl from the stars, and that same feeling is why she tried to make a point of watching these videos.

Sometimes they were almost complete nonsense, like when Shimmer tried to show how she finished (not won, by any stretch) her first Mario Kart race on her Wii U but didn't understand the screen didn't show up well on the camera. Other times, they seemed pretty serious, like this one... but she couldn't afford to skip any, it seemed, as Shimmer seemed to record them back to back and refer them to each other like a complex web of rambling.

It took a lot of self control for Marina not to open Neko Atsume instead, but with a sigh, her finger taps the next Shimmer Vlog and she braces herself for another tide of "like"s and "SOOOOOO"s.

The Abandoned Plot: Caduceus Tower

Harpy's recent idea of a witch she calls Palette led to some stirrings in the back of my head, memories I had long since abandoned surging back up and reminding me of a plot that I've thought about doing many times over the course of RP history but eventually abandoned for quite a few reasons. Although there are still three characters I may one day use from it, their story will be completely divorced from the original idea for this, what could have been my first major plot if ideas like the Deck and the Alruthines hadn't wormed their way in and given me enough time to second guess it all.

THE CONCEPT
Back in High School I think was when the ideas for what could have become Caduceus Tower were first born. I'm pretty sure I was inspired in part by the Soul Society from Bleach in that I wanted to make a big organization with interesting characters and stuff, and originally they all wore robes indicating their color. As I had no real writing outlet back then, this was just a simple mind exercise that I later decided would be a good idea for a video game, so I took out a little notecard and jotted down the ideas I had for it, many of which would later slip from memory as I built it in my head instead and changed a lot of stuff. Most of what I'll be sharing here was either from the notecard or the ideas I had later that I THOUGHT were on the notecard but now that I look at it they aren't!

The original idea, before adjusted for Kobbering, was that in this potential video game, you were basically some dude who had a sister with an illness that recently a cure was developed for. You'd be in a hospital room with her and a few other patients who are to receive this cure for this lethal and painful disease, but suddenly: BAD GUYS BREAK IN! Before you can realize what's happening, the cure has been stolen before any of it was administered, and then Palette would appear and tell you about Caduceus Tower.

PALETTE
a.k.a. the guy I remembered and therefore lead to suggestions I make this blogpost! Based heavily on Schwartz from G Gundam, he was pretty much a ninja (the minions who broke in were ones too essentially, as originally there were no minions but I felt just fighting bosses might get boring). Palette did not wear black, instead he was splotched with swirls of color, and he would tell the player about Caduceus Tower, where a group that had been stealing medication of all sorts had holed up. In RP the Caduceus Tower would have been endgame and we would only learn of it after foiling members as they tried to take the medicine or some other plot events to get them out and about.

Caduceus Tower's member all had color assignments if they were of important rank, with most being of equal footing until you reached Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum, the highest ranks in ascending order. Palette would admit he was a defector when he found out about them denying this medication to people suffering from the disease. At one point I considered it to be a cancer cure but that got too common in newer fiction so I don't know what the disease could have been in RP if the idea ever took off.

Palette would teach the player how to fight in the tutorial and send them off to reclaim the medicine. Palette would also reappear along the way, in both the plot and the original game idea, to share information on the organization and its members and make sure that the objective was never out of sight.

Thing is... Palette had good intentions and all, and he isn't really a bad guy...

But the cure was not perfect. The disease would go away, but weeks later a new disease would emerge that would cause horrific mutations in those it was given to. This was before the anti-vax movement as far as I know, and I really don't buy into the Big Pharma conspiracies, but this was basically that, and one of the reasons I abandoned the plot idea. Near the end of the plot or game, probably during the siege on Caduceus Tower, we would see what the medicine had done to someone who had been affected by the vaccine.

CLEAR
A hulking monstrosity, Clear would be a large tumorous human with absurd strength, almost like a more grotesque version of the Alruthine plot's Skin Man. A mindless beast, this would be the fate of anyone who took the medicine, but since the people were already suffering and all, and you only had the word of the leader of the group (who we will meet in a minute and is untrustworthy in some ways), you would chose to either believe them or soldier on and reclaim the cure, giving it to the girl and others and then the story would cut off their in the video game, but in RP I wasn't sure what to do next. I'm sure the Kobbers wouldn't be quick to give it to the afflicted without some sort of confirmation of their own, even if they did beat up Clear and the forces of Caduceus Tower.

Palette would have been of the mind that the cure is worth trying and would be championing its use, not believing in Clear, and he would have been fought at the end instead of Clear and Platinum (the leader) if you chose to believe them instead of him. Rather than hiding like a ninja, he would have used the many colors to his advantage, trying to overwhelm the Kobbers' senses and then move in and strike while they were overwhelmed. Basically attack by seizure-inducing color patterns and the like. Platinum and Clear were tougher end-bosses and probably would be fought a bit either way, but Palette would have been more skilled.

But that's the basic plot skeleton. A group steals some medicine that is actually dangerous and we only find out near the end they had good intentions. But... why did this group devote themselves to this cause?

Well, you see, Caduceus Tower is full of people who were affected by similarly negative drugs, whose side-effects were worse than the ones that are rattled off quickly during a commercial. And that's where the second reason the plot idea was canned came in...

The Colored Captains or whatever I might've called them... well, some were blind, some schizophrenic, some handicapped... and so on. I certainly wouldn't have tried to make them sideshow attractions or anything. They would be intensely capable individuals who exhibited the downsides of the medication that made them join this group committed to making sure no one else ends up like them, but I was also worried like... what if, even by accident, the Kobbers basically used their handicaps or ailments against them? Like, one girl is an albino, so what if Utsuho used her sun powers to fry her or something else... unfortunate.

I would have done my best to make them good characters who handled their specific quality believably and gracefully, as I've tried to always make my organizations have fleshed out characters rather than BOSS FIGHT BOSS FIGHT BOSS FIGHT, but to avoid unfortunate implications or things like that, this was the nail in the coffin of it all.

However, I would like to share these colored captains with you, save a few. I will give you details that will be scrapped from the three who will become characters, although at the same time... remember how I said I misremembered a few of them? Well, certain members ended up combined in my head, so I'll share the details of the two colors at the same time and leave out what they ended up combining into so they may later appear in RP.

Let's get started!

With those guys I'm leaving out!

BLACK/GREY
So, not many of these guys got names except the ones who will become characters, so they will all be referred to as their colors here. Black and Grey were separate characters of course, but I basically forgot Grey existed and his more interesting traits were added to Black. Here are the pieces that aren't being salvaged from either of them.

Unsurprisingly, Grey was meant to be old, and he'd have milky-white eyes. Turns out he was meant to be color-blind rather than full blind. He wore sandals, had no hair save a greying mustache, and was pretty much meant to be deceptively old, but when it was time to fight him he'd pull outs a pair of scythes that could extend or detract as he pleased. He actually WASN'T old and the medication he took for his eyes seemed to age him. I'm not afraid to mention Black had a katana, even though that is currently the weapon I have in mind if they become a character. I hope I come up with something more creative than that though, so if not, hey, he'll keep it. Also, no points for guessing which color was originally Asian :V

In RP these two might have even attacked at the same time as they were both mysterious in some way. I apologize for not sharing more but I'd like to keep it under wraps. Characters from this plot aren't planned for 2016 or 2017, but they were actually on the table for 2015 on after the plot idea was wholly abandoned but I grew attached to three of these people. They'll probably all arrive together and be part of something called Caduceus similar in concept but without this plot baggage. You'll know 'em when you see 'em :P

BRONZE
Originally mistaken for Gold in my memory, Bronze is not like Gold in anyway. Bronze is pretty much Dozer from Timesplitters: Future Perfect taken up to 11.

 Unfortunately, the only pic of Dozer I can find on the internet doesn't really show that A: He's really fat, and B: His lower body is missing entirely and he floats around on a little hoverthing. Come to think of it... he's more like Krew from Jak and Daxter

If you haven't noticed the theme: Really fat guy who uses hovering thing to get around in. Bronze had Chronic Obesity through no fault of his own, his medicine curing his muscular illness and instead dumping intense weight gain on him. It did shore up his strength though, and even though he moved around in what was essentially a floating bronze throne, he could swing a giant axe like no one's business. Bronze's teeth would be going bad too, and he'd have brown eyes to match their coloration. His robe would barely cover his shoulders and although he had a lower body, it was pressed into his throne where it couldn't be seen and thus we only saw his big ol' belly. His throne would be near indestructible and he'd use it almost as a shield, and his body would be able to afford taking hits due to its expendable girth. He wouldn't be chomping food or anything stereotypically fat. He'd be bald though, as befitting his counterparts linked here.

Bronze is a smart man and despite looking like a slob, he'd be the first guy during the raid on Caduceus Tower and would seed the doubt of the goodness of our mission against them. I mean, characters like White coming up would do the same during normal battles, but any doubts based on the goodness of the foes we face would start to be confirmed as we met the upper echelons of the group.


WHITE
Originally one of the ones I liked a lot but later fell off in interest when I forgot she existed, this is the albino I mentioned earlier! ...yeah, I was not too sensitive in giving the colors to some people. White was a very small girl, she'd almost look like she was 12 but she was in fact a grown woman. Her lack of development into an adult was part of a failed program to help her with her albinism, and although she resented being different as a child, Caduceus helped her be comfortable with herself. However, she would be timid and shy when first met... until the battle got started.

She had her white hair in pretty much a bobcut, wore white robe that hung loose and hid her movements well, but in battle she'd be incredibly loud, screaming like a feral creature to try and surprise her opponents. She had weapons pretty similar to Axel from Kingdom Hearts, and it's no doubt that Organization XIII was another influence on my idea for this group.

White would have been the closest of the others to joining the three who are being rescued from this plot. I wouldn't even discount her from joining them if the trio get fleshed out enough or something, but she'd have a lot added to her to make her more interesting. Hopefully. She's the only one save Platinum who has a chance of joining the trio in RP I'd say, and probably the only one who could be a main character. Platinum would be supporting at best.

RED
Literally didn't remember Red at all. Apparently, dude got his corpus callosum cut, causing the typical after-effects of having split-brain (the eyes, arms, and ears of the two halves of the human body have trouble communicating. Not debilitating, but something certainly annoying for those who have it.) Thing is, that went as fine as it can be! It fixed whatever he had beforehand (presumably some form of epilepsy), but an experimental test was done to try and safely reconnect the hemispheres so they could communicate again without the epilepsy or anything... and that caused the split-brain to get even worse.

Red is still one dude with one personality, but the two halves of his body act completely different. Hence, Red carries two large greatswords, and since his hands are being run different by his split brain, he'd be very difficult to predict. He'd even roll a separate tractor for both his arms, meaning he might fail with his left but succeed with his right, and he could fight two people effectively at once as if he was only fighting one. Red would have been one of the crazier low-ranking members, and of course he had red hair and freckles. He basically had fangs as well, and a scarred chest he kept exposed. He wore a lot of leather too...

The worst part is he had heterochromia like a precious little OC, although I think it was meant more to represent his split brain rather than say I'M SPECIAL LOOK AT ME. In fact, he had an eyepatch that he would use to cover one eye if he wanted to focus solely on one style of combat rather than his directionless two-handed style. I feel his fighting style could still be interesting if put into RP somehow, but the edgy design and high schooler's understanding of split-brain would be best removed :P

BLUE
Most these characters are marked as M for male or F for Female on the notecard. Blue is a G. I guess Girl? She's described as feminine at least. Blue used crescent blade in battle but she had narcolepsy, sleep apnea, and was basically the prototypical Hector even though I forgot she ever existed. She could still do things when asleep and changed fighting styles completely while sleepwalking/sleepfighting, but since she couldn't see she would be wild and even prone to hurting allies.

She's skinny, but not small like White. She's a tall lanky lady with blue, slick hair because anime, she wore no shoes and wore a lot of eyeliner. She was pretty emo really, eye shadow and blue eyes...

And now I find the word "him" in his description making me think he's male? Actually... I think I remember him a bit now. Steam of consciousness blogging makes me remember his appearance, and it is pretty much what I just said but on a boy. He also had a collar that had injectors to wake him up. He was actually somewhat dependent on the injectors, as they were meant to help with his sleep troubles but he instead became completely reliant on them to wake up whenever he went to sleep. He can't really control them and they trigger whenever his sleep apnea begins to cause problems so he doesn't run out of breath. They'd probably activate if a fight was winding him while he slept as well.

GREEN/GOLD
While Gold is meant to be the leader a step below Platinum, Gold was mixed with Green at some point and the new character was born. Originally named Marshall for his potential use in RP as I thought Marshall Mathers (Eminem's real name) would have been a good name for him, he'll get a new one thanks to our bartender claiming the name first. I'm not too worried about Black/Grey and Orange (the other person I'll be adding to RP eventually) having their names stolen, but poor Green/Gold is a bit harder to name it seems!

Anyway, again, some vital info on these two will be left out, but I assure you they were much more similar than Black and Grey were, which made combining them mentally make a lot more sense. Green's weapon will be staying with him, but Gold had two spears for some reason. I will also say they both had insane anime hair. Green had spiky GREEN hair, and Gold had spiky BLOND hair. Neither hair was retained in the blending :V Their "affliction" was less serious or realistic than most these characters and probably won't raise any eyebrows when the combined version of them appears. Gold had a Glasgow Grin that I certainly won't be keeping

PURPLE
I'm pretty sure, originally, before this notecard was made or something, Purple was originally a pair of three people with dwarfism who fought by wearing purple ninja clothes and diving in and out of sight, basically attacking by making you think there was only one of him who was insanely fast rather than three who were tricking you. Things like injuries not showing as they jumped in and out of cover would clue the Kobbers in to the truth of the matter and they'd probably force the other two to rescue their brother as he's held down or something like that.

That's one version of Purple. One guy who I thought was a different color completely was a conjoined twin. Seems like Purple is about family no matter what, but they were pretty similar to Red in that it was like fighting two people at once... but it literally was this time. Don't remember their gripe with their medical treatment, but they were connected at the back and facing opposite directions, one wielding a  two-handed broadsword and the other two slim one-handed swords. Their stuff on the notecard is barely readable as it has faded and been mucked up over time. They seemed to be dressed less like the others do their physiology, and for some reason I made a note that one had green eyes and the other had... while, it might say blue or brown but it looks like "bust". Due to the fact the triplets replaced them mentally, they were never set for the Kobbers but could have been included as a new color if I found the notecard. I'd doubt I'd scrap them if I did do this plot, but the dwarf trio had become Purple so solidly in my mind that they'd probably get the spot over these two.

ORANGE
The one I could say the least about! Almost everything about her is being kept except originally she was Native American. PRETTY INTERESTING HUH. Because she didn't get blended with anyone I wager that's why she managed to keep most her pieces together with nothing really being shed.

SILVER
Hi Ho, Silver!  Apparently Ho ain't a bad word for her from what I wrote here. I think I forgot Silver even existed although I knew she must... maybe I thought White was Silver? Anyway, Silver has a Bladed Whip like Ivy and is skimpy like her too, with notes that she is "ample" and has her robe parted to show her cleavage. I guess I wanted a fan service character back then!  Blue eyes, dark red lipstick, she was designed sadly just to be sexy it seems. Long silver blonde hair...

Thing is, all this sexiness... IS A TRAP! She's a hemophiliac, and probably not a very polite representation of one, as she is not afraid to spill blood despite how dangerous it is for her. In fact, her hemophilia seems worse than a normal persons, but she doesn't seem want for blood as she intentionally lets her beautiful appearance be marred by her gushing wounds. Really gross and edgy stuff huh? So you'd go in saying OH MOMMA! and leave saying OH GOD! Unlike Bronze she didn't seem much more than a gimmick and wouldn't really do much to further the story of "what you're doing might be wrong". It would be up to stuff I can't share about Gold to really get you doubting and then Platinum would appear and unleash Clear on the Kobbers.

Speaking of Platinum...

PLATINUM
I like Platinum, not gonna lie. She had a dual sided lance and some things about her are evoked in Effie. Platinum has full body metal armor, but its platinum rather than Effie's pink and it covers even her face. She has long silver hair and we'd probably see her helmetless as she tried to explain the situation with the medication, but otherwise she'd be in full metal armor...

And unfortunately, she's the one I mentioned who has Schizophrenia. I mean, good on the group for putting her in charge and she is incredibly capable in combat, but her Schizophrenia was the biggest example of using someone's affliction against her. She'd probably think some of the more ridiculous Kobber stuff is her own delusions, she might swat at things that aren't there instead of attacking the heroes, and it's likely people would doubt the truth of her claims about the medicine because of her disorder. I like Platinum, she's a stoic and serious lady and can kick ass, but I don't think I could do her Schizophrenia in an accurate manner or a particularly sensitive one, and I certainly don't want her exploited because of it. Many of these other characters have far less serious problems and could be done or fought without it being TOO big of an issue, but this one... This is basically what killed the plot. I both liked Platinum too much to get rid of her, and didn't want to change her.

Effie will kind of carry on her spirit, but she'll have a softer side. When the trio appears in RP, we may see Platinum as a supporting character without any reference to Schizophrenia.

ENDING

That is pretty much it as far as I can remember! ...And you know what, I do like White. I think I'll try to tool her into a character, and even keep her an albino but try to do it more like Peter White on Venture Bros and try to avoid any situations. Would that be an okay idea? I mean, we probably wouldn't see her or the other three I mentioned until 2018 at best so... this is really putting the cart before the horse. But, if you really think you can make any of these characters work beside White, Platinum, and the mysterious three, I'm basically giving them away at this point. Maybe they might have a cool battle mechanic you can use in a different character? I like Red's and the triplet version of Purple's a lot!

If you want to meet White one day or have any other feedback, please leave a comment! Don't worry: the trio who I've kept hush-hush about are more like Bronze than Platinum in what made them different. I hope these weren't offensive as they weren't meant to be. They were all meant to be strong fighters and real people with personalities, the theme of people wronged by medicine just made some of these characters a bit worse off when viewed by an older mind. Teenage Jumpropeman meant well, but older Jumpropeman has been doubting this plot and its characters for ages because it might head into unfortunate territory.

Jobs: Second Shift

"Hello?"

"Hi sweety~ I've just made quite a mess here Marina, and I couldn't help but think of you! Think you can send some guys to help clean it up?"

 Marina should have stifled her sigh, but professionalism had not come to her naturally, and the board room she found herself in right now was certainly not her usual haunt. The eyes of the others in the room tried to avoid looking at the blue-haired girl as she turned away from the table and tried to speak loud enough in her phone to be heard by her father but quiet enough not to be eavesdropped on in the silent room.

It was a losing battle of course.

"Look dad, this isn't the number you're supposed to call for that. This is my personal phone, and I'm not even on duty or whatever as dispatcher right now!"

Marina's words only made the stares at her more curious. She bit her tongue as she realized who she was in the room with. The RVPA had many employees, but whenever something important was happening, one could count on three certain members showing up: the two mammoths who founded it, Samurai the Cleric and Monk the Druid, stood in divots of the table carved especially to accommodate them, while the third member sat sandwiched between the two giants in a simple chair. Dr. Trapper John had signed on solely to provide medical assistance originally, but as time wore on and the inability of the Random Village Protection Agency's Leader's to speak English proved to be a constant hurdle, he got an unspoken upgrade to being the voice of the group. Trapper John seemed to understand the mammoths on some level and could often read their opinions well enough, but he hard a far sharper tongue than the two misnamed pachyderms, giving the Agency a much-needed edge when dealing with less reasonable types.

It was strange that Marina had been called in with them today, not to have an audience with them, but to serve as a representative for the newest considered recruit. Even though things had yet to start, everyone had been gathered in the room and all but prepared to begin when the phone call had been received.

"But if its something you guys need to do, it shouldn't matter what number I call, right?" Jumpropeman's voice carried too far into the room for Marina's taste, and she stood up out of her seat, covering her phone with her other hand to try and muffle her father's voice.

"Alright, alright, fine, what is it you did this time?"

"Uh, well, okay, it's pretty much just a lot of burnt stuff. I summoned a couple Thousand Dragons... well, I mean, they are called Thousand Dragons, and I summoned a bunch of them... maybe I did some thousands of them? Anyway, they burned up the place and I thought you guys should come out here and scrub it up!"

"So what is it, just a bunch of ash just out in the middle of nowhere?"

"Pretty much!"

Marina found the hand that was muffling the noise was now trying to knead her forehead to prevent a headache from swelling up, "I... don't think that's the kind of thing we deal with. We're disaster relief mostly, and I don't see why you guys can't just clean it up. Doesn't it have some time residue or something you have to scrape off anyway?"

Marina could feel the mammoths getting impatient. Humans were far better at suppressing their expressions for the sake of politeness, but when a mammoth fidgets, its hard not to notice their massive bodies moving.

"Look, if it really is serious, call the dispatch line. You really can't call me directly, I don't even answer this phone when I'm working!"

"Oooookay. Well, talk to you later then!"

"Yeah." Marina hung up her phone the moment the Time Spirit gave her an out, and as soon as the call had ended she threw herself back into her seat and thrust the phone into her pocket as if speed would make the phone call any less awkward. Attention finally turned away from Marina as all eyes fell on the new recruit...

"Quite a coincidence your old employer would call while you're up for consideration, at least it would be if we didn't know his powers let him do anything he likes anytime he likes..." Trapper John's sharp tongue was already out, but the recruit straightened his back and tried to manage a grin that seemed friendly.

"If I thought he could help my case, I would have invited him. Instead, I only invited his daughter, to ensure that he'll know what I'm up to."

"Well then, Mr. Archibald Tuttle-"

"Everyone calls me Harry,"

"Or Tripwire, from what I've heard."

The conversation was surprisingly tense, but Marina was somewhat relieved. The awkwardness of her phone call seemed completely ignored, but she resented Harry using her mostly as a means for her father to reliably spy on him trying to join the RVPA.

She couldn't help but think Harry looked strange in a suit. She had almost never seen him clean himself up for anything, the soldier always preferring to wear practical clothing with many places to hide whatever weapon or gizmo he might need. Marina almost wished she was at the dispatcher phone now, instead of having to watch two old men go back and forth.

"Yeah, but it's not like I'm hiding that none. I believe I've given you all more than enough of my past on paper that I don't need to share my life story."

Monk's trunk twitched, Trapper nodding to the founder to acknowledge his unease. The doctor leans back in his chair, his face resetting as he tries to keep himself in check, "I did not mean to suggest anything against you. We understand that people's pasts may be... colorful, but we will not hold that against you if you wish to better yourself and the world. Our only fear... is that Jumpropeman might be trying to build an empire within our organization." Trapper leaned forward now, his hands coming together below his chain. The gesture looked intimidating, but the fact that Marina had her chin resting in her hands out of boredom not ten feet away sucked some of the energy from it. "You already drew our attention to his daughter in our ranks, and he already provides us with generous donations."

"I imagine his donations come more out of guilt than any idea of controlling the RVPA," Harry began, trying to keep a confident smile going as long as he can, "guilt out of his part in spreading bedlam, and guilt out of... well, not any prettier way to say this: his desire to do something to support his daughter."

"You guys are really blunt," Marina spat out, her former guardian's smile slipping as he heard her displeasure.

"I only meant..." But Harry could not find the words for what he meant before Samurai trumpeted to steer the conversation back on course. "Sorry sirs. What I meant to say is this: I worked for Jumpropeman before, but you even brought up my problem with him. I became Tripwire to try and fix the problems he caused, and when I thought I did that, I retired... but I'm not the type for just sitting around it seems. I got antsy, and I heard of you guys and thought this does exactly that, only with the whole of the Kobbers."

Monk turns to Trapper, low rumblings like vibrating whispers emanating from him as he tries to convey his thoughts to the doctor. Trapper nods and turns back to the former soldier, "Your motivation is strong... but Monk is worried. Your skills are in battle, Mr. Tuttle, and battle is the one thing we don't do." Trapper held up a hand preemptively to try and keep Harry silent before he continued, "I understand you've tried to be as harmless as you can with that, preferring the tranquilizer dart over the bullet, but the RVPA absolutely refuses to do harm in any way, regardless of the situation. We must maintain a level of neutrality. We are committed to the cause of ending suffering, and if we incapacitate someone because they are being violent, we've suddenly drawn a line in the sand."

"You don't need to tell me all that. I know what I'm signing up for, but I know that my skills can be useful, even if they aren't in battle. You guys picked up a lot of recruits from the Red Ribbon Army a while back, and even without seeing those boys I know they are itchy to use their skills they're ignoring." Harry's words got all three of the head honchos to furrow their brows, the course of discourse heading down a road they didn't like. Marina moved her chair a bit further from the mammoths for fear that she might get caught in the crossfire if things escalated, but the shift in tone had pulled her from disinterest and now trapped her in attention at the affairs unfolding before her.

Harry wasn't blind to the mood shift either, "Don't look at me like that! I'm not saying they need to get back on the battlefield or nothing, but they were trained and trained hard. The Red Ribbon fellas were ruthless when they needed to be. What I'm suggesting is that I take charge of the rowdy boys, channel that energy into the kind of stuff that can help the RVPA. Physical work. I know I'm not the only one who's noticed that Vegas has been awfully busy while the Kobbers are out..." The two mammoths perked up at the mention of this. The strange surge of attacks during the winter and spring months was concerning for a group that structured itself to devote most its resources to the May to October "Kobber Period". "We could get those boys out there, building shelters beneath houses for when Kobber-like events are happening. Help prevent some of the collateral damage before it happens, you know? Physical labor like that is a lot like the work the Red Ribbon boys woulda done at boot camp or on base. They had 'Soldier' hammered into them too hard by that awful organization, I only hope to make sure they use that part of themselves right is all."

Harry felt out of breath after making his case, and Marina could see the nervous sweat on his forehead glistening in the halogen lights. The mammoths and Trapper conferred in a way only they can, Marina sitting up and trying to eavesdrop even though she knew she couldn't understand any of it. Before she realized what was happening, Marina felt compelled to speak, "Harry was always good when he was in charge of watching over me, and he never had to do anything rough for that. I mean, we're really small for an organization with such big goals, and its not like people like Nabisco Thing ever really signed on permanently to help us. We shouldn't just turn people away or... something..."

Marina shrunk away from her words as everyone looked at her, but when she saw she got Harry grinning, she at least felt her words had meant something. She didn't allow herself to look at the others until they finished their discussion though.

When Trapper spoke again, Marina spun around to hear the verdict, "You certainly aim for our vulnerabilities, don't you? I feel you invited Marina for more than just an assurance Snappers would be watching this... There is of course paperwork that must be done, but for now... We would be honored to have you with us, Harry."

Harry clapped his hands together happily and began to step forward, but the doctor's hand was up again to try and hold things until he finished, "But you must remember: If you so much as scratch someone with your fingernail, you will be immediately discharged from our organization in the way all people who break the rules are: with a blessing cast on you from our co-founder Samurai the Cleric."

Samurai looked away when he was mentioned. Marina did not know the mammoth well, but there was enough chatter and rumors to go around about why one should fear anything cast by the animal. Samurai still felt the pain of failing to properly dispose of the nuclear missile that almost hit one of Disney's theme parks. Disney had shown their gratitude with generous donations to their cause, but Monk had politely requested no one to drink orange juice on site until the memories of the irradiated orange groves faded from his brother's memory. No one was sure what to do about Samurai's misfiring magic, but it was said Samurai hadn't cast a single spell since the incident in Florida... which only made the idea of that blessing even scarier.

Harry nodded, "No need to scare me, like I said, I know what I'm getting into here. Hopefully things can go a little more smoothly with me on board."

Monk extended his trunk to escort Harry out to fill out some of the necessary paperwork, but when the two left, Trapper allowed himself to scowl.

"What's wrong?" Marina found herself asking.

"I know you're friend there is supposed to be pretty good at digging things up, but I get the feeling many people know we aren't doing as well as we should be. We're much too small for all this, and now stuff's happening even when Kobbers aren't around..." Trapper trailed off, not even looking at Marina as he spoke to her.

"Well... We only feel this way because we try to help so much. If Monk were here... well, he can't really say anything, but his hope was to help as much as we can or something like that. We can't do everything we want to... but we can do everything we can."

Samurai's trunk draped itself over Trapper's shoulders, and the doctor patted the end of it before he stood up, but his mood stayed the same. "I was there in the Manhattan days. I was just on the sidelines then, a face the Kobbers didn't even notice... back then they weren't even called that. Back during Zoofights... I guess I'm just worried that one day, they might revert back to what they were there, and we really can't clean up the kind of messes they'd leave if they did."

Trapper exited on that dour note, Marina falling back into her chair and crossing her arms as she felt her words did nothing to help. Samurai walked towards his young employee, trying his best to smile for her to cheer her up. Marina seemed unaffected, so Samurai began poking her with the end of his nose, Marina turning away from it until finally she playfully smacked it away, getting up and giving the mammoth a reluctant grin.

"I don't know what you're trying to say... but I bet its something optimistic and cheesy. I like working here... I felt I was kind of outta my depth being called in for this, but I guess I'm glad I can be part of this..." Marina felt her words were running out. It was almost like she felt pressured to say something cheerful to clear the air after Trapper's negativity, but she just can't express it properly. Samurai seemed pleased with what she had managed though, and he made his way out of the boardroom, leaving Marina standing their alone.

"And I thought talking on the phone was rough... I'll take that over this stuff any day," she thought to herself as she prepared to head off and occupy herself until her shift started.

--------------------------------------------------

Jumpropeman had not bothered to call the RVPA dispatch number. He wasn't even sure why he called Marina in the first place. "Kinda weird that I'm always gonna associate her with disasters now," he said aloud, "...or maybe its appropriate."

Tut-Tut was already busy with a group of Tester robots themed around cleaning. For now they were just scooping up any ash that had the scar of time manipulation on them that needed scrubbing, but as Jumpropeman's thoughts turned away from his daughter, they returned to that strange shed.

"Hmm... I think I need to see a certain android about some Todash..."

"....Toad Ash, sir? This is mostly just dragon ash..." Tut-Tut said as he motioned out to the robots at work.

Jumpropeman grinned and rubbed the head of his mummy assistant, "You knew exactly what I said, but thank you for pretending to comically misunderstand it."

"I try my best sir."

Jobs: First Shift

There aren't many places on Earth where the sound of minigun fire is considered blasé, but the people of Domino City had heard stranger sounds before. In fact, the battle in the streets at first seemed like one of the many that had occurred there in the past few years, leading to an unfortunate situation where a crowd had gathered before the bullets began to fly.

The strangest thing about the duel in the streets wasn't that a ghost was up against an anthropomorphic clock, it was that he seemed to be trying to talk with it at first. The ghost spoke Japanese with a clear American bent, and he seemed to occasionally emphasize pronouncing a word incorrectly as some sort of joke, and the crowd were quick to favor the clock in a cape and his little dragon friend. A few kids in the crowd were busy on their smartphones trying to identify the ghost, as they had never seen it in one of Domino City's street duels before, but before any answers could be found, the ghost pulled out his minigun and began to let the barrels spin.

"This is your last warning Time Wizard", Jumpropeman yelled out, tired of trying to speak the native language to a clock that he wasn't even sure was capable of speech. The Time Spirit didn't need to hear a single word from it to know that, with a name like Time Wizard, it was something that was bound to screw with the stability of time at some point.

The back of Jumpropeman's mind seemed elsewhere as he waited for a response, his eyes traveling to the small dragon that Wizard hovered protectively over. "Huh, that little dragon looks like one of Draco's kids." If anything, that similarity was what was staying him from just mowing down both Wizard and Baby Dragon and heading off with a job easily completed. The clock just keep bobbing through the air though, so with a sigh, Jumpropeman points his gun towards the wizard's face and opens fire.

In a battle between wielders of time, the speed of a bullet is nearly irrelevant. Right before the minigun begins to chew on its ammo, the Wizard's wand was hefted high, and when the gunshots began to ring out, they came with a quick curse from Jumpropeman.

 Time did not slow down or speed up. The common tricks of those who wield time were all to expected, but even Jumpropeman was surprised as a bubble of space around the wizard wide enough to envelope a house suddenly jumped forward in time one thousand years. The road below was now fractured and dusty, streetlights wilted like iron flowers. A few citizens who were too close were suddenly turned to dust, their bodies skipping past death and decay. They would not stay dead, Jumpropeman thought, but it would require some annoying after battle cleanup that he might just relegate to Tut-Tut. The citizens of Domino City were now fleeing in a panic from the fight, recognizing that it was far more real than the holographic battles of their favorite card-based sport. Their screams were hidden from the air only by the minigun's futile efforts to puncture this time bubble the wizard had created, but as bullet quickly became fine powder in the air at the edge of the magical sphere, Jumpropeman wound down his weapon and flew forward to try and enter the localized version of Domino City, 3016.

As soon as Jumpropeman entered the time displacement though, a great grunt of fire came up from below and scorched his entire frontside. Jumpropeman began to spiral down through the flames, unable to right himself as the heat began to singe his ectoplasm. With a small slap, Jumpropeman's body plopped down right on the source of the fire: the nose of an elderly dragon.

What was once a Baby Dragon was now the Thousand Dragon, an old but formidable creature. The fire from its nostrils died down as the ghost slapped into its snout, but an exhale of smoke quickly blew the ghost up and away before the now-ancient creature began to inhale again for another incendiary grunt. The Time Wizard spun and bounced around in the air above its enhanced ally, but the Time Spirit could not focus on his original quarry as the flames once more wrapped around the tiny little ghost.

Jumpropeman's gun was glowing red now, the metal softening in his grip as he's barely able to keep himself from turning to ash. The ghost decides to ditch his weapon for now, twirling around before he hurls the Iron Curtain up towards the Time Wizard. The Wizard was not expecting to be hit, it had fared well so far after all, so when the heated metal smashed into its clock face, it was no longer able to sustain its flight or the time sphere. However, 3016's section of Domino City was now firmly cemented in the present, leaving Jumpropeman still in the fiery breath of the aged dragon.

The Time Wizard hit the ground with a metallic crunch, the Thousand Dragon turning its attention away to make sure no trick was being pulled on it. The creature's mind was a strange mix between a child's and a geezer's, with no life between to hone it well. You could probably pull the "look over there!" trick on it a thousand times without it learning, and right now, its attention was over there, if "there" was where a Time Wizard had landed. With the dragon distracted, Jumpropeman expands slightly outward to get the ash off his body, but he could not grow to be giant after being burned so badly. Looking around for his tossed minigun, the small blue ghost instead takes note of the cracked tarmac beneath him and dives down, grabbing two chunks of broken asphalt and flying towards his opponent.

The Thousand Dragon exhales smoke as it turns back to Jumpropeman, but before it can breath in to ready another blast of fire, Jumpropeman lunges forward with the two black rocks and shoves them down the dragon' nostrils. The beast moans in a mix between a baby's whine and an elder's groan, falling back onto its hind feet as its front claws set to the task of dislodging the obstructions. Jumpropeman allows himself a grin, but as he turns his attention back to the Time Wizard, he hears the sound of the Iron Curtain revving up. The Wizard opens fire with the minigun briefly, the kick of the gun surprising it and causing it to fall back and drop the weapon, but not before a few holes are made in one of the ghost's arms.

"Damn! I really should just use the bells for this kind of shit..." The Time Spirit grabs his wounded arm and lifts it, only to let it flop. He knew editing time with his bells would not work on a fellow wielder of time, but at this point, yearning for his bells was just as common as any curse word for the ghost while on a job that was going poorly. Seeing that the limb is useless for now. Jumpropeman turns immaterial and dives into the ground, the dragon and wizard both losing track of their opponent as they collect themselves.

The clock's fingers drum nervously one his wand. Jumpropeman swims through the ground beneath them unseen, preparing to rise up and pull out some of the clock's gears from the inside, but the Wizard raises his staff again, and the hands on it begin to spin. The Time Spirit is unsure of what will happen next, so he flies up as quickly as he can, but the Time Wizard flies up into the air as it lets the roulette on its wand spin, four skulls and two engines serving as the potential landing spots. The Dragon sees Jumpropeman emerge from the ground and tries to smack him down, its hand passing through the immaterial ghost, but passing through the beast is distracting enough to throw JRM off course.

He's unable to reach the Time Wizard before the roulette stops. The hour and minute hands both land on... an engine. The Time Wizard cheers silently as it looks down at Jumpropeman, waiting for its magic to take effect. The ghost is briefly surrounded by magical energy, and Jumpropeman can feel the air around him turn a thousand years older. But 4016's air dissipated quickly, and Jumpropeman crossed his arms as he looked up at the Time Wizard.

"I'm completely exempt from time man. Your powers can't do jack to me!"

The Time Wizard's facial hands spin wildly and angrily, the Thousand Dragon recognizing that something went wrong and trying to take another swing at JRM. The Time Spirit quickly dives down and pulls up the Iron Curtain, the barrels spinning again as he prepares for a final stand...

RRRRRRRRRIP

Well, it wasn't that loud of a rip, but it certainly felt loud to the Time Wizard and Thousand Dragon. It was actually a quiet rip, one too small compared to the sounds of the gun, wizard, and dragon for Jumpropeman to even notice. It wasn't until the Time Wizard and Thousand Dragon abruptly dissolved in front of him that he realized anything had happened.

The scorched little ghost let himself fall to the ground in relief at first, but when he looked around for the reason the battle ended, he saw his little mummy assistant Tut-Tut approaching with something in his hand.

The second Time Spirit tossed two cards in front of Jumpropeman, both ripped down the center. "I didn't mean to interrupt the fun you were having sir, but I didn't want you wasting anymore of your energy on them. These are singular manifestations of ancient creatures, so we can't really take care of them or their time shenanigans without finding every card like these two and disposing of them."

Jumpropeman sits up and sighs, running his good arm across the two torn cards. "Thanks for the save I guess. Just wish I knew that before I went in."

"You can do the research beforehand you know..."

"That's the boring part though! ...Ugh, you're right, I know. Was just getting lazy on it again. Procedures, procedures... So, did you show up here just to save my bacon?"

"Unfortunately no. I found a special anomaly that I thought you should see before I purge it."

The ghost shoots up into the air quickly, enough to startle the mummified dodo. The shock was born more of his concern for Jumpropeman moving so quickly in his injured state than the suddenness though.

"Nice!" Jumpropeman exclaimed. "Well, guess I shouldn't say that before I see it, but hey, it's gotta be something good if you're calling me in, right?"

Tut-Tut averted his eyes from his superior, "I'm... not quite sure I would say that, Mr. Jumpropeman..."

----------------------------------------------------

The two Time Spirits reappeared far away from Domino City, Jumpropeman in far better condition than what the universe considered a mere second ago in the timeline. Jumpropeman didn't look good though, if only because he was wearing his disappointment quite clearly when he saw what Tut-Tut wanted to show him.

"A shed?" were the only two words the ghost had for it. A small shed sat in front of them... although it was certainly not meant to be small. The tiny shack was barely held together, its metals rusty and withered while its wood had long since become dust on its floor. It was unclear what it once housed, as the floor was now only home to the remains of the roof. It was clearly some other color once upon a time, but right now it wore a sickening white and lifeless brown on what pieces remained. It was almost a miracle JRM could identify it so easily.

The ghost prepares to hover over and get a closer look, perhaps hoping for something more interesting in what remained of its mess, but Tut-Tut delicately puts an arm in front of his employer. "Sorry sir... you don't want to get too close."

"Why?"

The question did not wait for words to be answered. The shed's pieces begin to knit themselves back together in a flash, color fading back into the structure as dust becomes wood and suddenly, a very plain and uninteresting shed was now sitting in front of the two.

Jumpropeman let out a long whistle, "Well, that is interesting... in a way."

"From what I can tell," Tut-Tut started, "the shed was abruptly pushed forward a thousand years in time and was now pulled back-"

"Oh great, is the Time Wizard here too?"

"No! I mean, no, not at all."

"Huh, so it's just a coincidence that time stuff favors the thousand year jump today."

"I-I guess... But, it's not like the Wizard's power at all! It seems this abnormality is caused by something called entropy."

"Oh great," Jumpropeman wished he could roll his eyes, "I thought we took care of Air. Is she really mucking about with sheds?"

"I'm pretty sure it wasn't her..."

"Well, she's the only one who calls this thing 'entropy' as far as I know. I sometimes wonder if kids with powers these days even bother to look up the fancy words they place on their powers..."

"...to be fair sir, entropy is probably just a word to encapsulate a difficult to describe ability. We can't really judge them for trying to qualify it when we use names like 'the Fabrics of Time'."

"Good point." Jumpropeman's eyes remained on the shed, but once again he let his mind wander, this time off into a place where he might just know what caused this abnormality... but soon he found a much more interesting thought. "SO! Can we get rid of it now?"

"I suppose... I take it you don't want to just excise it from time?" Tut-Tut asked hopefully.

"Of course not! Let's kill multiple thousand year old birds with one stone!"

Time did not stop, but a second later, Jumpropeman and Tut-Tut were standing far away from the shed, an enormous pile of cards spilling out the side of the entropy-afflicted structure. All around it where Time Wizards and Thousand Dragons, the Wizards waving their wands at the shed in what looked like a weird dance.

"DRAGONS AT THE READY!" Jumpropeman yelled, the dragons all grunting or puffing smoke in response.

"LET'S BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND!" And with that, fire roared out from the dragons, enveloping the shed, the cards, and many Time Wizards with it. Some of the clocks were quick enough to fly out of the way of the incoming fire, and some of the Thousand Dragons felt slow in their old age and hadn't even mustered the strength to lend their breath to the inferno, but soon the cards and shed were overwhelmed by the intensity of the attack, and as the cards burnt in the slowly dying shack, Time Wizards and Thousand Dragons began to pop and dissolve all throughout the small area. Tut-Tut watched calmly, but Jumpropeman laughed as the creature who gave him so much trouble earlier that day were now killing themselves by his command. The rogue versions of these monsters he fought earlier were a major pain in his ghostly ass, but now that he had summoned them from their cards, he could make them do whatever he liked...

When the fires died down, there was nothing left of the shed or the army called to destroy it but the scorch marks on the dirt.

"I'll get to cleaning up the temporal mess soon-" Tut-Tut said once Jumpropeman had calmed down, but as he looked at his fellow Time Spirit, he found his ear listening to a phone's speaker instead of him. The dodo felt cowed and stepped back, letting the ghost make his phone call.

"Hello?"

"Hi sweety~ I've just made quite a mess here Marina, and I couldn't help but think of you! Think you can send some guys to help clean it up?"

Tut-Tut had no trouble hearing his boss's daughter let out a long, exasperated sigh.

Bubsy 3D: The Disaster Report, and Technically a Review too

 Bubsy 3D is infamous for entering the world of 3D platformers with all the grace of an avalanche, although this seems to be implying that Bubsy was somehow hurt by the transfer into a new dimension, when really his already heavy burden of awfulness was only increased by crossing into a world that games in general were not ready to travel into. The PS1/N64 era was not a pretty one, and at its beginning, most everyone, even Mario and other people praised for entering it cleanly, looked like low quality bootleg versions of their 2D selves. Blocky polygons stacked on top of each other was the norm then, and at best you could hope for a model that looked like the first wave of Star Wars toys that were basically humanoid plastic painted to look recognizable. Time has made us kinder to this generation, it has made us forget that the camera was suddenly something that needed controlled that was often wrangled with about the same control one might have it one tried to corral hippos. It is no coincidence though that while nostalgic throwbacks to 8, 16, and other bits can go over well, a PS1 era graphic style in a modern game is usually a sign of incompetence rather than a tribute to an era that was really full of first steps into an unfamiliar world.

You may think this is some defense of Bubsy 3D, that I'm being an apologist and forgiving it for this terrible transfer into the third dimension. I merely wanted to give you some context that, for a game made in an era where a certain level of patience and understanding is required...

Bubsy 3D is still absolute utter garbage with no excuse for how bad it turned out.

Even if Bubsy 3D had the benefit of coming after the 3D Platformer genre was more solidified, it commits too many sins to have ever been a good game, despite the assurances of people who worked on it. My recent experience 100% the game on the PS1 has not been a pretty one, and as a bad game aficionado, even I was impressed with how bad the game ended up being. Before we begin though, its worth pointing out that the main character's bad personality and the uninspired polygonal landscapes, the go-to criticism of this game a la Superman 64's ring levels, are not even what makes this game as terrible as it is. Those criticisms are what a passerby may peg Bubsy 3D as, but once you get your fingers deep into this poor excuse for entertainment, you will feel what truly made Bubsy 3D the maligned monstrosity its known as today.

Before I press into the true analysis, I should note a difference I have spotted between the PS1 physical copy and emulated versions I've watched on Youtube. Mainly... Bubsy 3D looks much nicer on an emulator, with brighter colors, less rigid polygons, and greater draw distance. To truly see the beast this Bobcat truly is, the unemulated version was a must.

GAMEPLAY

Gamers seem pretty willing to forgive a bad story, bad graphics, and other such failings as long as the gameplay is fun and engaging. Rest assured, Bubsy 3D does not deliver on that front. Every detail placed on top of this game's core structure is simply pushing Bubsy 3D deeper into a mire.

Let us begin with the fact that, for a platformer, the platforming is pretty bad. Bubsy 3D controls like a tank. Now, tank controls were a practical solution to a problem in real life. We had giant guns attached to huge hunks of metal that we wanted to move around. Wheels could not handle the recoil or terrain that we wanted them to move on, so treads were implemented, and since treads can't exactly have front-wheel drive, the treads can be individually controlled so that turns can be made. Tanks do not turn fluidly, and games like Resident Evil, struggling in their own battle against the fledgling game dimension of depth, used them to accommodate their own gun-carrying devices. Also known as characters. Bubsy, however, is in a game where movement is the gameplay. Needing to come to a stop to turn Bubsy is excruciating, especially when there are enemies that open fire with well-aimed attacks. Turning while running does not create a small circle, but a wide berth, one that Bubsy often does not have enough room to execute, and even he will probably have to come to a stop to let himself adjust to his new angle.

Surprisingly, the camera is kind in Bubsy 3D, in that it's predictable. You have no control over it and when you jump it becomes a top down view, but it respects object boundaries and although Bubsy himself is difficult to position, your view adjusts consistently. Sure there are many things you won't see because of it, and the draw distance is poor if we're using generous terms, but the tolerable camera is probably the only thing that makes this game palatable. If it was off on its own adventure, Bubsy 3D might be downright unplayable.

Bubsy's tank controls are thankfully nonexistent when he jumps, and oftentimes he's a far easier beast to control when he's in the air. Bubsy can suddenly move freely and rather quickly on the horizontal plane, although after you jump you can't really switch into a glide easily. Yes,  the bobcat can glide, for no reason. Most of the time Bubsy's standard jump is actually the better option, as gliding causes you to fall rather quickly and there are few gaps that are longer than the generic jump. Gliding is best as a means of skipping stuff or riding propellers, and since it must be pressed first rather than the jump button to do, it often leads to deadly and painful commitments.

The last real gameplay mechanic is Bubsy's means of self-defense. Bubsy can jump on most enemies, and it is almost always the best option to damage them, but there are also little items scattered liberally throughout every level called atoms. Bubsy can pick up atoms like coins in Mario or bananas in Donkey Kong Country, and if they total up to enough, he gets small bonuses. Seems simple... except the atoms are also an attack. If Bubsy approaches an atom with all the caution of someone trying to pet a wild deer, he can pick it up and fire it forward in a straight line. However, if you do not hit an enemy or breakable wall with it, it will bounce back and hit Bubsy. And if you hold it too long it hurts Bubsy. And the aiming is down with Bubsy's slow tank control spinning. So for the most part, its best used never, and can rarely be useful in sniping far off enemies... but sometimes, to get the games important collectible (there are two rockets in every level), Bubsy must fire an atom into an offcolor wall. First of all, the generic landscapes make the offcolor walls difficult to spot, and by the time you do notice them, you've probably collected the atoms that you were meant to fire at it. See, since Bubsy can only fire atoms horizontally, only some atoms line up with these walls, and if you mess up and pick up the atom, or fire it not at the specific part of the wall it wants you to hit, you will have to replay the level, since atoms do not respawn.

Some levels are "generous" and give you a powerup where Bubsy holds 10 atoms in reserve that he can fire anytime... provided he doesn't die. If he dies, he loses the powerup, and so many levels with that powerup actually require it to get into the area a Rocket is hidden in, as no atoms will be placed near the offcolor wall. Like the earlier comparison I made, the atoms are placed much like coins in a Mario game, but their added utility makes these positions annoying, and the 10 atoms power up too rare and fickle to depend on.

So, those are the basics. Bubsy must hop, shoot, and poorly turn around in a world full of platforms, sloped hills that he can glide up if he's persistent enough and obstinate enough, and enemies who will catch Bubsy unawares. Bubsy can usually avoid being shot at by enemies that are offscreen, but the moment he sees them they fire with deadly accuracy, and the poor controls make it easy to get pegged if you're not always on guard. The levels Bubsy travels through are strange. They are sparsely designed, consisting of spires and slopes and floating grey rectangles. What's a platforming game without platforms after all. There are small attempts at making things I assume are trees, and Bubsy adds a weird noxious green goop that is instantly lethal to the floors of some levels. Also, a checkerboard pattern on any surface is an indication that it will teleport you, and its often found in areas where you must do some jumping challenges to get rockets. The composition is not the strangest part though. These 3D, save a few early levels, are often wide open areas (to the point a level called Clawstrophobic is probably the least claustrophobic level in the game with its open spaces) but they have a strange linearity to them that isn't enforced by the level's actual design. Instead, to progress you must follow floating arrows, as the levels are often bland in appearance and easy to get lost in otherwise, especially with things teleporting you around and upper platforms twisting you around. Mario 64 and Banjo-Kazooie made their levels hubs for multiple adventures to take place in, and exploring a level unearthed new tasks to do in it. Bubsy 3D's only goals are to get to the end of the level and find the rockets along the way if you're masochistic. If not for the arrows guiding you, I can assure you many levels would take twice as long to finish, and even some of the more linear levels often have backtracking after branching off to a dead-end path to flip a switch.

Then there are water levels. Thankfully mostly linear, there are 3 in the whole game, and they control... okay. Problem is, there is an oxygen meter. It's mostly forgiving, and there are oxygen tanks scattered around the place that respawn if you're far enough from them. The issue arises that since you can't jump on enemies underwater... you're giving a charge attack. An imprecise charge attack that burns through oxygen at an alarming rate. If you run out of oxygen in this level, its because of failed charges. The underwater levels are poorly designed, with platforms floating about as if it was a regular level that they simply submerged later, but still not structurally sound enough to be played without the water. There are fish globe lanterns on many platforms that have a fish texture placed on each side so poorly that you can see the fish bowl from multiple angles and make it seem like they're TVs with multiple screens instead. Despite the freedom a water level usually allows, swimming too high or going over areas they don't want you to go to will cause a ring of white triangles to descend from the heavens and immobilize you and push you back to the level, often in the path of the annoying underwater enemies. Land levels are merciful in that if an enemy isn't onscreen, it usually can't shoot at you. Underwater, Dogfish and Starfish will home in and strike you from offscreen, and with no jump, dodging is usually up to luck against these unseens attackers. There are also little seaweed enemies that make bubbles that if you get caught in, will carry you up, up, up to the surface super slowly and then damage you, and trying to run off can often get you caught in a different bubble from a seaweed nearby or caught by the white triangles.

I suppose the last real shift in gameplay comes in the games two puzzles. Oh, I don't mean there are only two puzzles, I mean there are only two breeds of them repeated constantly throughout the course of the game. The more forgiving and tolerable one involves finding a pillar made of the four alien enemies found throughout the game. These aliens are benign and are red, green, blue, and yellow, and depending on how they are stacked, you must hit some switches in an order to match their totem pole.  An uninteresting and unengaging puzzle, but busywork puzzles like this are found in the best of games. The annoying one is a game of Simon with an alien who will stomp on his platform to gradually reveal the color pattern with one new color added each runthrough. Thing is, to reply to his pattern, you must jump between four colored platforms above a drop. The drop is usually safe, but even though its somewhat easy to control yourself while jumping, trying to hop between the four platforms reveals how deviously spaced they are. You may be tempted to backpedal to the edge of a platform, but if you press back on the control stick, sometimes Bubsy does a short hop backwards, and that hop will trigger the platform you're standing on again. One error and you must restart the game of Simon, and sometimes, seemingly randomly, the first platform the alien hits, even if you match it with the one you hit, counts as wrong and you start again. Slow, boring, and poorly controlled... come to think of it, it's the perfect puzzle for a game like Bubsy 3D.

Phew! So that's the bulk of Bubsy's problems from a technical standpoint. Poor gameplay design in a world that you aren't really designed to handle, enemies that ignore your limitations and "puzzles" that engage your mind as much as a stoplight would. Before we leave the subject, let's talk about...

LEVELS, ENEMIES, AND BOSSES

 Before we begin, I suppose I should mention that the alien enemies in this game are called Woolies. This is important because nearly every level in this game is a pun or reference with either the Woolies name shoved in there, a cat-related joke, or on one rare occasion, the lightning bolt Zzotz enemy gets its name stretched into the title "Zzotz Nice". Like Not Nice, I guess, is the joke, supposedly. The levels themselves, surprisingly, are all rather unique, in as much as they have different feels to them despite being rearranged assets. I certainly couldn't tie names to levels though  as the names never have anything to do with the level unless they are a boss level. One level, called Bright Light Big Woolies, does not seem to make sense as a joke or as a level name. The music isn't too bad, and much like the original 2D Platformer Bubsy games and Bad Rats, you'll eventually acquire a Stockholm Syndrome level of affection for some of it. Some of it is peppered with weird sounds that aren't quite music, like one similar to the Xbox Achievement boop. Enemies make weird sound effects as well, with one seeming to rip its noises straight from the future game Banjo-Kazooie, with a stretch and chomp noise that must come from some same no-license sound file group.

It is a marvel that the game manages to make 24 levels feel both unique and forgettable. If you have no interest in getting the Rockets that are required to get the 100% ending, some can be completed in mere minutes, while most can carry on for half an hour of bumbling and death before you plumb everything the level has to offer. Some levels even offer multiple paths that lead back on themselves, giving you further paths to run down to find nothing of use or note.

The main enemy force are Woolies, who throw rocks at you and can be dispensed with jumps. Later upgraded Woolies shoot well aimed laser beams that pass through solid objects, and who Bubsy seems to think is literally Cyclops from Marvel as he calls him an X-Man/Ex-Man when he kills them and directly calls that an enemy a mutant. The earlier mentioned creatures with Banjo-Kazooie noises are these slime creatures that travel across the ground and can only be killed with atoms, so basically they're invincible since if you stand still long enough to shoot them, they'll get you. There are creatures with targets that if you get near will place the target on you and pretty much get a free hit unless you hop around frantically and get lucky. There are hummingbirds that shoot green rings at you and are hard to hit as they flit around erratically. Underwater enemies were earlier mentioned, and Woolies come in land, water, and flying variants. The Zzotz, however, is an electric creature that, if you touch, is an instant kill.

And boy does Bubsy 3D love instant kills. Running off the edge of a platform above open air will cause Bubsy to look down like Wile E. Coyote, wave at the camera, and then die, even if Bubsy had the momentum to run off that platform to the next one. No, you must jump it properly or die. Water in any land level is an instant kill as well, where even if your foot touches the corner of it and you jump to safety, Bubsy will play his drowning death animation. Most water is poorly separated from land with some safe flat blue textured ground between the mainland and water, and the water is really only discernible by some bubbles breaking up the sea of blue. These bubbles, mind you, are on a water texture that does not match the surrounding water color. It's best to avoid blue ground at all costs really.

There are four bosses in Bubsy 3D, two of which you don't seem to actually kill as they appear in the ending cutscene just fine. The first is Woolie Bully, who for some reason, despite that name, is a small yellow Woolie with glasses like a nerd and is shown to be a scientist. He hovers above you on a disco floor shooting down glowing shots that, after hitting the ground, create a danger area that you'll get hurt if you stand in. To get up on the Bully's dancefloor, you must somehow intuit the random idea that Bubsy can glide over the danger area and receive a boost up into the air so he can jump on the Bully's head. I only knew to do this thanks to hearing about how this makes no sense in other criticisms of this game. Boss 2 is a Mammoth in a level called Mortal Bobkat, where the idea is to make him charge at you and slip so you can jump on his rump. Thing is, there are electric fences keeping you two too close together, and you often run into them when you are running around as they are hidden offscreen. Once you get a feel for the arena though, then you have to deal with the mammoth. Sometimes bananas are thrown in from offscreen that the Mammoth can slip on, but he seems to slip regardless of there being a banana in his path eventually. When he falls trunk over rump, you need to pound down on his butt before he flips back up, but the window is imprecise, and you can often take damage when you seemed to have a clear shot on his behind.

The final two bosses are found in the final level, and that level is certainly a gauntlet. Invincible turrets line the hallways you must take to the first boss who will constantly open fire on you, so you basically have to jump around and hope to make it through, and since like I mentioned earlier, jumping changes the camera to a top-down perspective, you will have no clue of the way forward while hopping for your life. This level has a particularly egregious case of an offcolor wall hiding a rocket, as there is only one atom in the hallway that has that wall, you have to grab it while avoiding the turrets, and this is the final level. On a new life you get 4 hits before dying, but thanks to checkpoints you can brute force a lot of things with extra lives you stock up on. Making it to that wall and successfully breaking it are a task and a half, but there is a glitch with most slopes where if Bubsy jumps onto it while facing off in a perpendicular direction, he can sometimes jump up it. One early level seems to require it to get a rocket, and the final level is much easier when you can get by a lot of the turret maze with that trick.

Once you brave that gauntlet you reach the easiest boss in the game, and an actual fun one too! There are a bunch of trees scattered around and a giant two headed boss whose stomps make rocks fall from an invisible ceiling. Jump from tree to tree to stomp on the boss, where it will strangely reset you to a different position in the air after doing so. To cheese the boss you can just hold forward to land on it again and again, but even without that cheat the rocks are easy to dodge and the platforming challenge decent. In an otherwise hard level, its a breath of fresh air. The path ahead is another maze to hop through, and then one of those totem-pole-switch-order puzzles but with these small yellow Woolies who seem basically impossible to avoid completely. You will be hit, and you must accept that. There is a checkpoint nearby so that you can die while doing it, and then... the final boss. First off all there is a propeller you need to use to glide over to their arena, and since gliding sucks, you sometimes touch the propeller and take a hit before even fighting the boss. Then, the boss, is Polly and Esther, two Woolies you can't jump on who shoot better versions of the beams the Cyclops enemies shot. They teleport around hassling you, and to hurt them you need to hit a switch to make atoms available for a limited time, which you must then grab. Grabbing the atom and aiming it is the hardest part as, previously mentioned, Bubsy doesn't really turn. Standing in place to turn will leave you vulnerable to the beams, and running has too wide a berth. Jumping towards the atom leads to picking it up, but if you can grab it, there is mercy invincibility until you fire it. However, since there are two bosses firing at you, oftentimes after shooting one, the other will peg you the instant you are vulnerable again. Thankfully, if you kill one and then die, the one you killed stays dead unless you get a game over. Kill both and the game abruptly cuts to the end cutscene the moment you touch the rocket they drop.

So, we're pretty far in to tearing apart why Bubsy 3D is a bad game. Bad levels, controls, enemies... you might ask yourself... what else could have possibly gone wrong?

Oh, that's right.

BUBSY, AND THE GAME'S "HUMOR"

This strange Escape From L.A. reference, a flash in the pan sequel to the actually memorable Escape from New York, has nothing to do with the level, rest assured, but it embodies what most people seem to think is the biggest problem with Bubsy Bobcat and his series of games.

And I... can't agree. Yes, the humor is terrible, the references often too obscure or just planted wholesale as if that was a joke. Bubsy has an annoying voice and the game slams you with statement after statement from his shrieking maw in the tutorial level, but as you play Bubsy 3D... you need his terrible humor to survive. The gameplay is so bad that when Bubsy has decided to keep his yap shut, you can only focus on how bad the game is. But then Bubsy chimes in with "KEEP YOUR MOTOR RUNNING" in his most annoying voice as you hop in an on-rails rocket segment and you suddenly are pulled out of the terrible deed you have invested your time in and get to hate Bubsy and enjoy how bad he is. If not for the terrible attempt at creating a likable mascot, this game would be depressingly bad, but Bubsy's poor attempts at humor will give you a focus for all the hate building up in you. When he yells out a masturbatory self-congratulatory "Beauty and Brains, the perfect combination!" after stomping on an enemy, you are able to sit back and say "I hate you Bubsy" instead of thinking on the frustrating path that brought you to that one-liner.

Besides Bubsy's one-liners, the levels themselves contain no humor. They are places to act upon, obstacle courses that make Mario look like a fleshed out and realistic environment. Only one land level archetype exists besides the generic color swaps, and that's a poor attempt to splash cityscapes on the polygons that don't even look like the buildings they are textured as. Before the level, I suppose you can say the title cards are a joke, although none really land and most often they are only funny for looking terrible. When Bubsy dies, there is a cutscene that abruptly jumps in to show various ways he can suffer. If Bubsy stands still for too long the game freezes for a bit and then plays what looks like the gameover screen but is actually a poorly implemented idle animation. Incidentally, Bubsy's attempts at humor seem to lead to a lot of glitches. Pausing during his one-liners can sometimes lead to Bubsy repeating lines over and over, running through the sound test to sound even outside the generic "attacked an enemy" or "picked up extra life" noises. One time the game just froze on the start of one of Bubsy's deaths before I had ever died, leaving me stranded with this image of Bubsy standing still in a dark abyss with only a spotlight shining on him. I never did play a bonus game thanks to a glitch freezing the game if I tried. From what I've seen it doesn't look funny or fun, just a generic way to get lives after spending way too much effort collecting 150 atoms in the previous level.

Bubsy 3D also has a post-level cutscene where they show a slapstick scene where Bubsy suffers in a way completely unrelated to the level. Bubsy is merciful in one way though: this scene shows a password that you can enter, but the game also has save files. Many, many save files. At least 15 from what I recall, and you aren't punished for using a password and saving your file to the memory card, a necessity since my game kept freezing before the bonus game. These cutscenes, however, are not merciful, as they tell the same tired and unfunny jokes to you. Usually Bubsy tries to do something Looney Tunes-esque and is hurt for doing so, including the painting-a-door-on-a-wall gag and trying to go through it, only for his enemy to succeed at it while he fails. Most are forgettable, but near the end of the game, the end level cutscenes begin to use two set ups repeatedly. In one, Bubsy is in a futuristic race with a Woolie. They all start the same, but after the race begins, Bubsy encounters something like a brick wall that makes him lose.  There are at least four of these, and Bubsy finally wins on only to fly over the finish line and to the door to the final level. The other joke formula you'll see over and over doesn't even make sense. A bunch of Woolies are floating around like they are driving invisible cars, and Bubsy tries to climb into one of the invisible cars that a Woolie is driving. The first time the joke is told, Bubsy just falls through after a second of floating, then gets run over by that same invisible car. The next time he succeeds in climbing in, only for the Woolie to reveal its never-before-seen lightning powers to zap him out and over the horizon. The next one involves Bubsy handing the driver a bomb and blasting him away, driving away with the pilfered invisible car.

Like I said, Bubsy 3D isn't funny, but the poor jokes are interesting and help distract your from the torturous gameplay.

CONCLUSION

 Bubsy 3D is somehow the fourth game in the series, but its no surprise it killed it off. The other Bubsy games were buoyed by passable gameplay and marketing that made Bubsy seem more tolerable than he would prove to be. Children have a level of patience for bad games as they don't know better and they have a bit of a sunk cost fallacy in that they feel they must enjoy every game they get as they get very few. Bubsy 3D, however, would be a monumental task to enjoy. Playing it normally will prove frustrating as you reach later levels, and trying to get 100% will only lead frustration starting from the get-go. Bubsy 3D meanders about and requires many leaps in logic to complete, and there is no real reward.

In the beginning of the game, Woolies are meeting up to discuss their enemy Bubsy finding their home planet, which he interrupts by bounding in and delivering a string of unrelated one-liners and catch phrases, including his own spin on the Wrong Turn At Albuquerque line he pilfered from Bugs Bunny ("I knew I should have taken that left turn at Uranus! Was it something I said? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!" ...all said in one breath). At the end of the game, if you get 100%, Bubsy escapes in a rocket only for "the stored atom capacity he built up in his fur" (which, for some reason, this phrase makes the villain army crack up at least four times, grinding the cutscene to a halt for way too long) to cause his rocket to go backwards in time, taking him to the Dark Ages, to which Bubsy says "woah, how did I end up in Triassic Park?" The remaining Woolies seem to have no obstacle in going to Earth by their own evaluation now to steal Earth's wool (I think, I could barely believe what I was hearing), and that's the end of the series.

Even though I said the game's personality is the only thing keeping it afloat, that is by no means me saying its good. The game or the personality it has. I've played many, many bad games. Cory in the House is kind of typical licensed game fare in its problems. E.T. on the Atari can be adapted to with time and patience and knowledge. Bad Rats just requires you to repeat levels with the same solution until it works. Shannon Tweed's Attack of the Groupies requires you to pay attention more than you want to.

But Bubsy 3D... It's special. I don't know if its the worst game I've ever played, but it's definitely up there. Bubsy himself represents a sort of hubris, the idea that one can create an interesting character by slamming together things that worked for other characters. The game itself shows a stubbornness to try and design a 3D open level like a 2D linear one, and the gameplay shows a lack of motivation and creativity on the part of the game designers. Does Bubsy 3D deserve its infamy? Sure. But much like Superman 64, its important to look beyond the obvious criticisms. Superman 64 sucks because carrying objects and flying as the game requires you to can cause you fall through the floor. It sucks because you can run out of the power you need to beat the game due to poor detection of its use.

And Bubsy 3D? It's not just a wisecracking bobcat in a bland polygonal terrain. It's so much more. And oh god do I wish its only problems were the protagonist and environmental design.

Bye bye, Bubsy. You won't be missed.