Why did it have to be an envelope.
Jasper the mimic sat staring at the little envelope that lie on the floor before him, his name and the name of Gluttony sharing space on the front of the epistle. The mimic's brows were low, or at least his eyes gave that impression for lack of true eyebrows. He grumbled as the deliverer of the message stood by him, noticing his frustration and reaching down to open it for him.
The messenger wasn't quite shot, but he was almost bitten as Jasper lunged at him with his teeth.
"Back off buddy! I don't need your help!" Jasper snapped, literally and figuratively. The messenger was gone in a flash after that, and Jasper continued to glare grumpily at the message.
"There better be money in this, because this is about to be hell..."
The mimic inches forward, but then inches back, unsure as to how to approach this. His pseudopod pokes out, trying to lift the letter up but retracts in a flash when he notices the message getting soggy. Another grumble, and Jasper has now begun rocking back and forth, trying to catch the message between his teeth.
"If ya wanted to say something to me, next time say it to my face!" Jasper yelled at the envelope, getting no response from the innocent piece of paper. It did respond though when teeth caught at its edge, with a loud rip that made Jasper's eyes bug out.
"...Crap. Hope it wasn't paper money inside." Jasper begins moving his lower jaw, the envelope swinging around on the tooth it is hooked to. Jasper begins slowly closing his jaw, unable to watch his teeth properly as they converge on the envelope.
"Come on, come on ya stupid slip of paper..." Jasper whispers, but the movement of his own mouth pushes the teeth down hard, the envelope screaming its injuries into the chest and causing Jasper's patience to wear out. The mimic jaws begin gnashing furiously, and shreds of paper are thrown all around the treasure chest.
Like the Tazmanian Devil winding down, Jasper pants and makes incoherent noises once his rampage is through. Looking at the paper before him, he sees the many knicknacks of note that Gluttony included and laps them up with his tongue, chewing happily.
"...I guess that was worth the trouble..." Jasper chews contently, but soon he notices the paper actually had some words on it! Jasper thinks for a moment, spinning a few gems in his mouth as he did so.
"Guy needs to learn about phones."
Despite his dismissal, Jasper spent the next few days reconstructing that message, if only because he saw the words "address" and "hoard" amidst the mess. Slowly piecing it back together, Jasper soon manages to reconstruct enough of the message to head off on his adventure!
...But the impatient mimic mixed up the directions. Hopping through a rather high-end neighborhood, Jasper can't help but feel he's been guided down the wrong road, although he won't admit it was his fault the directions got mixed up. Hopping up to what should be Greed's manor, Jasper smashes his head into the door repeatedly, trying to bust it down, but instead it is answered...
By a familiar face.
"Hello there!" Gabe Newell says jovially, unaware of the history the two shared.
"You aren't Greed! ...or are you? LET ME IN THERE! I'M STARVING!" Jasper roars, trying to lunge past Gabe and into his mansion. He is quickly impeded by a thick hand, grabbing Jasper by the roof of his mouth and throwing him back onto the porch.
"Woah there! I can't just feed someone who showed up on my doorstep!"
"Shut up man, I'm eating your cash and there's nothing you can do about it!"
"Well... about that.
Did you know we are currently running the Steam Exploration Sale?"
"...why do I care?"
"Well, the prices are so low-"
"Don't say it"
"That I don't have any money!"
"BULLSHIT!"
"Go ahead, look around."
Jasper, not grasping the concept of digital currency, charges around the mansion, trying to find something valuable to munch on. There were some ornaments and decorations that Gabe had to restrain him from, but there was no cold hard physical cash to be found.
"...WELL... fuck." Jasper sighs. "I don't know what to do now. Gluttony sent me on a wild Greed chase! Shoulda known those sins would stick together."
"...Will you be leaving now?" Gabe asks.
"Fuck no, you have a lot to answer for big guy! Something's getting eaten here, and you're long overdue!"
Jasper lunges for Gabe Newell... and is promptly escorted out by security.
Jasper mumbled off into the distance, swearing off paper mail forever.
